Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
