Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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