Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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