I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
