I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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