And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
