I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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