So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
