"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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