Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
