I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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