If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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