Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
