Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
