Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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