WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
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