Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
