I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
