Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
