We named our party play list daddy issues
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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