My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
