the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize