Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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