I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
