this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
