All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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