Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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