6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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