I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
smell my finger.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
