he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
