Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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