Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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