May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
