Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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