I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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