just come out here and I will go home with you...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
