Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
