he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
only you would photoshop your dick
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
