you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
