shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Welp...herpes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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