apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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