A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
