Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
