You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
