i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
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the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
whose parrot is this?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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