The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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