I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
