He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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