two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
