That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
