I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
