I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
