My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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