I can text with my tongue
He uses pillows to masturbate.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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