Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
