I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
