I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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