i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
