____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
