is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
