I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
