why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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