why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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